Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Socorro: Strength in the Face of Adversity

Many people view obstacles as things that hold them back or prevent them from achieving certain goals. But others thrive off of obstacles. It is not until they are faced with an obstacle that they know how capable they are. Socorro is one of those people. She is a woman of great passion and drive; the obstacles she has faced in life have challenged her to be stronger and to work harder.

She tells her own story:

I am a single mother. I was born in Puebla, Mexico and had first come to the United States sixteen years ago. I intended to come only for vacation, but while I was here I met someone and fell in love. But my love story does not have a happy ending like the ones in the movies. I never got to live happily ever after. In truth, the man I fell in love with never loved me at all. His heroic deeds were only acts of selfishness and his charming words were empty sounds to cover up lies. Little did I know that he would cause me to lose everything and end up in the homeless shelter where I now reside.

I was blinded in love. We married and had two daughters whom I love deeply and whom are here with me now. At first I was very happy with my life, married to my husband. I was running my own business which was a beauty salon and was making a good living for myself. Things took a turn, however, and my husband began to mistreat me. He was verbally abusive. He never said sorry when he was wrong. He never paid for anything. I started to notice that he was taking my money from my account and when I confronted him about it he showed no care whatsoever. I had my own house, but my husband convinced me to sell everything. We sold the house and he took half of the money. Because of my limited English, I couldn't tell people what was going on. He opened a bakery with my money to which he treated me like any employee. I used to work from 8:00 in the morning to 11:00 at night. I wasn't even allowed to have a free soda on my break.

A month later, I found out that he was having an affair. He was spending my money on another woman. He told me that he used me and that he wanted to make me poor. Well he had done just that.

Right now, he gets visits to see the girls. My older daughter always compares me to her father and is disappointed in me. She tells me, "I don't like you because my dad can give me everything and you cannot." My children ask me, "Mom what happened? What happened to our life? We used to have it all together." They don't understand that he is cheating on child support, that I'm on welfare, and that right now I'm struggling with whether or not to accept his money in fear that my food stamps will be taken away. Honestly, I would prefer just to work and become independent again.

I am not sharing my story so that people will feel sorry for me. Rather, I want my story to be a lesson not to give up. I want to teach people that even though someone may live in a shelter, that person can still have goals.

Right now I am taking classes to improve my English. In one month I am going to get my certificate to be an aerobics instructor. I want to get my GED and open a spa where people can exercise, and have facials, hair, makeup done. I plan on making my own workout video as well. In short, I just want a better life for my children. I want them to be proud of me again.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Maricruz: From Teen Mom to Successful, Loving Mother

I sat with Maricruz on the porch of the house and as I began to ask questions about her past, I knew that I was shaking up something inside of her that she had worked hard to repress. Slowly she began to tell me her story.

Maricruz was 15 years old, and her parents did not allow her to date yet. But she was young and curious and met an older man named Steven whom she started secretly seeing. He was a gang member with tattoos who drew her in with his charm and sweet words. Soon enough, Maricruz moved in with him and at 15 years old, she was pregnant and her life was forever changed.

While pregnant, Maricruz decided to move back in with her parents. Her mom, though upset, welcomed Maricruz back, but her father had already disowned her. He would not speak to his own daughter. If he walked in a room where she was, he would say something like “Oh it stinks in here.” She would get up and go to her room where she would stay to avoid her father.

Finally, Maricruz gave birth to a little girl named Vanessa. Though Maricruz had not spoken to her own father throughout her pregnancy, she recounted the fact that she called him when the baby was born and he visited her in the hospital with flowers.

After Vanessa was born, Maricruz moved back in with Steven. This was hard for her parents because they didn’t think it was the right place for a child, for Maricruz lived in a bad area full of gangs and drugs. One day when the baby was little, her mom went over to Maricruz’s home while she was lying on the bed and the baby was in the crib. Her mom walked up to the baby, picked her up, and walked out of the house. Maricruz doesn’t know why she didn’t stop her mother. However, she eventually got a restraining order against the baby's grandparents.

Soon, Maricruz became pregnant again and at this point, Steven was a hard user of drugs and smoking PCP. One day she came home from school and he was all drugged up. He was in his room just lying there as she describes. He approached her, “Where were you?!” "At school," she said. Then for the first time ever he hit her. He hit her in the face and as she describes it, she didn’t even feel it because she just couldn’t believe it was happening. She remembers seeing the blood and thinking, “what the hell just happened?” She was so afraid that she went into the closet and just sat there holding her face. One of Steven’s relatives must have heard them because she opened the door and asked what happened. “You better not have hit her,” she said. She found Maricruz sitting in the closet and urged her to get out and call the cops on him. But Maricruz didn’t. She never even told her parents. To this day they don’t know.

Maricruz was 18 now and was still living with Steven. He was using drugs still, and for a period of 3 weeks he completely disappeared. It took this act of neglect for Maricruz to consider leaving him. At this time she already knew about House of Ruth through an ex-resident of the house who continually encouraged Maricruz to enter the program. Maricruz knew the current environment where she was living wasn’t good for her children, and so she eventually decided to go for an interview at House of Ruth. They accepted her there and she called her dad, “Dad can you come for me?” He did just that, and he brought her to the house where she began her life-changing journey.

Her life was beginning to change but Maricruz was still caught in some of her old issues for the 15 months she lived there. Steven came to House of Ruth twice, all drugged up, and made big scenes. And at times they would see each other in the neighborhood and Steven would cause drama. Luisa, who worked at house of ruth, helped Maricruz a lot. Luisa would be driving to or from work and would see Maricruz arguing on the streets with her ex. Luisa would get out and help. “Maricruz, get in the car! Do not let him talk to you like this. You don’t need this…” Another person that helped her was her case manager, Lancia, who really pushed her to be better.

With all of this help, Maricruz eventually got a job, received section 8, and moved out on her own. She went from being a girl easy to manipulate, into a strong woman and mother. She loves her children, and although she regrets the desisions she made, she never regrets having her children. She believes that without House of Ruth, she would be living with Steven and living with fear. She wouldn't have had the beautiful memories like Thanksgiving Dinner at House of Ruth with all of the broken pieces of families becoming one. She wouldn't have known about all of the help out there. She wouldn't be the person she is today.

Today Maricruz is happy and has 3 children: Vanessa who is 18, Manuel who is 16, and Eve the youngest. Maricruz is a good parent and talks to her children in the way she wishes her mother would have talked to her. She talks to them about sex and drugs, and things that young adolescents need to talk about. She wants her children to make better decisions than she did.

Maricruz loves House of Ruth, and is still there today - not as a resident but as an employee. She works in the daycare and is taking classes to become a parenting instructor, which is her dream. After being certified she plans to give classes to the women at House of Ruth.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Elizabeth's Story: Breaking the Cycle of Abuse

I visited a former resident at her home one Friday morning. She was doing laundry and waking up her two oldest daughters who I also had the opportunity to meet and talk to. This family was kind, welcoming, and refeshingly down to earth. I stayed for 2 and a half hours as I listened to Elizabeth and her children open up about their lives. As I listened, I felt so close to these women and by the time I left, I believed I had made 3 very good friends who I hoped I would see again soon. I am privelidged to share with you this story of Elizabeth which is a story of faith during hopelessness and the womenly instinct to survive and overcome the most pitiful circumstances. This is the story of Elizabeth and her children.

Elizabeth grew up in an abusive home, and as the cycle would project, she became involved in an abusive relationship herself. She became pregnant at a very young age and by the time she was in her early twenties, she had 3 young girls: Janet, Jessica, and Patty. Janet and Jessica had the same father though Patty’s father was living with Elizabeth and her girls at the time. He used to mistreat the girls, and he was particularly mean to the oldest daughter, Janet. Elizabeth regrets the fact that she would allow him to be so mean to her little girls who were so small and helpless. He continued to hit Elizabeth until one day, she had so much fear that she called the cops on him.

A social worker came and took the girls away because of the abuse. They were put in foster care, which pained Elizabeth since what she cared about most was being with her children. The girls were in a foster home 2 hours away with a foster mother who was abusive. The foster mother treated Elizabeth condescendingly, sometimes allowing her to visit but other times rejecting her. Elizabeth never knew whether or not she'd get to see her children. She would make the 2 hour drive in hopes of spending 2 hours in the morning with her daughters, but sometimes the foster mother would say, “Sorry I’m busy today. There’s just too much to do. You can’t stay.” And at that she’d close the curtain while the girls and the mother tried to communicate through the glass window. Janet remembers this. She would wonder, “Why doesn’t mommy want to come in and see us?”

Elizabeth went back to the abuse of her boyfriend, as many women do, and she eventually had her 4th daughter, also named Elizabeth. Elizabeth feared what was to come. She knew what would happen. And a week later, the social worker showed up to take the baby. She had been through this before, but still, she panicked. She tried to hide and pretend she wasn’t home. The social worker barged on the door saying, “I know you’re in there.” So to not cause trouble, Elizabeth eventually, yet reluctantly, handed over her newborn baby into the hands of a stranger - the fourth child of hers taken away and put into the system. Sittin in her livingroom, she cried as the father taunted her. “How could you give away your own child? What kind of woman are you?”

This time, Elizabeth decided she would do whatever she could to get her newborn baby back. She had lost her motherhood once and felt that this was her last chance to retain what was left of her dignity. She knew that she would have to get help, but she didn't know where to turn. In her own downright words: “I had no idea."

Elizabeth left her abuser and was put in an emergency home at the age of 21. She had a case worker that, as she describes, was “white and beautiful”. They became really close. This mentor and friend gave Elizabeth encouragement as she fought to reclaim custody of her kids.

Finally, Elizabeth was accepted and began living at House of Ruth. She was given a big room because she expected to get her girls back. And to start, she would have the girls visit and stay with her on the weekends.

Elizabeth soon found out that she was pregnant again, and as any 21-year-old would do, she tried to hide it from everyone. She wore baggy clothes, and as her pregnancy progressed she even taped her stomach so that she didn’t appear pregnant at all. When she met with a social worker, she sat behind a table the whole time, hiding her stomach and not letting her see. When the social worker left, Elizabeth thought she was in the clear and quickly changed outfits and relaxed. As a twist of plot, the worker came back into the house and saw that Elizabeth was pregnant! She would have to work extra hard to get her life in order.

Elizabeth’s case manager at House of Ruth was Carmen. Carmen was tough, she said, "but that was good". She kept her in line and helped Elizabeth find housing. Elizabeth finally received section 8 and moved into her own house. She is now 34 years old and lives with her 7 children: Janet, Jessica, Patty, Elizabeth, Gilberto, Salvador, and Oscar.

Elizabeth credits House of Ruth for what she calls her transformation, and after meeting Elizabeth I do believe that she is not the woman of her past that she described. For one thing, she is proud of who she is; that was the impression I got as she gave me a tour of her house, her yard, her small alley, and introduced me to each of her dogs. I believe that she is also truly happy. She smiled brightly as she narrated through a photo album of her daughter's quincinera and as Janet performed a song and dance for me in the living room.

Elizabeth believes that without House of Ruth she would be working full time, and Janet would have to drop out of school to watch the kids. She loves House of Ruth for the case managers and the counseling, which was her favorite part.