Signs of an Abusive Relationship and How to Get Help.

The following warning signs are taken from this website.

Does the person you love...

• constantly keep track of your time?
• act jealous and possessive?
• accuse you of being unfaithful or flirting?
• discourage your relationships with friends and family?
• prevent or discourage you from working, interacting with friends or attending school?
• constantly criticize or belittle you?
• control all finances and force you to account for what you spend? (Reasonable cooperative budgeting excepted.)
• humiliate you in front of others? (Including "jokes" at your expense.)
• destroy or take your personal property or sentimental items?
• have affairs?
• threaten to hurt you, your children or pets? Threaten to use a weapon?
• push, hit, slap, punch, kick, or bite you or your children?
• force you to have sex against your will, or demand sexual acts you are uncomfortable with?

Getting out of an abusive relationship isn't easy, but help is out there!  Call 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE) or go here. 

Luisa, 20 Years at House of Ruth: Part 4

One day, I asked Luisa the question, "Why do women get back with their abusers?"

Luisa responded, “The women take action and the guys realize that they are going to lose the women. So the guys act all sweet, like they’ve changed, and women want that. But women can avoid it by joining support groups and taking domestic violence classes. There they can learn the signals and red flags because they learn the behavior of abusers.”

"It’s like a woman who is walking towards a hole. She sees the hole. She knows it’s there. Well eventually she is going to fall in that hole. Women also go back because they are embarrassed to tell family about their situation, and also because they are afraid financially. Religion and culture is another reason. Some Latino women see abuse as a normal part of life. But I know that God disagrees with the abuse.”

Luisa, 20 Years at House of Ruth: Part 3

Luisa remembers a particular client’s story. This woman came from Guatemala and ended up traveling with her daughter and three coyotes. The men were planning on raping her and her daughter, and the woman knew she wasn’t safe and had to escape.

She pretended to be very sick and begged one of the men to take her to the pharmacy. Her real plan was to buy something to drug the men. She went into the pharmacy and instead of buying medicine for herself, bought sleep medicine. Meanwhile one of the men was waiting at the doorway watching her, but trying not to look too suspicious.

That night, she offered to make the men coffee and in doing so she slipped the sleeping pills into the drinks. They slept real well, and the woman and daughter were able to escape. God gave her the wits to survive that night unharmed. She eventually came to live at House of Ruth, where she received the support and safety that she needed.

Luisa, 20 Years at House of Ruth: Part 2

One experience at House of Ruth showed Luisa what she was capable of.

It was 1990. There was a client at House of Ruth who came from Juarez, fleeing domestic violence. Not even 5 months after moving out of House of Ruth, she got back together with her batterer. They moved into an apartment together. One evening, while Luisa was working night shift at House of Ruth, the ex-client showed up at the door. She was beaten, and was begging to stay because she feared for her life. The house was full, but the staff decided to allow her to sleep on the couch.

Not long after, the woman’s abuser showed up at the house, pounding at the door and demanding, “I came to pick up my wife. Let me in.” The door was locked, but the man jiggled the handle enough to somehow get the door open. Immediately Luisa put her foot in front of the door and stopped the man from entering. She smelled alcohol on his breath. She said, “I don’t know where your wife is, I’m sorry Sir. I don’t know you or your wife.” He continued threatening. Luisa stayed strong. “You have to leave. We’ve got women here sleeping. No men are allowed inside.” At this, the man moved his jacket to reveal that he was carrying a gun. “Listen”, Luisa continued, “If you don’t leave I’m going to call the police. We are a shelter and they protect us. They are right around the corner.”

Luisa was the only staff person there that night, but instead of showing fear, she pretended there was another staff member. “Teresa, call the police! Sir, for your own good you should leave right now.” Being that he was undocumented and feared an encounter with the cops, the man left and the woman was safe that night. They helped her get into another shelter.

Luisa credits God for giving her the wits and courage to get through that terrifying situation. She states, “I can manage crises very well. I don’t show fear and I am brave in the moment. I tend to take action right away, which can sometimes get me in trouble.”

Luisa, 20 Years at House of Ruth: Part 1

Luisa has worked at House of Ruth for 20 years and has experienced both good and bad, triumph and failure, joy and sorrow, and moments that made her realize what she was made of.

In 1991 or 1992 while Luisa was childcare coordinator, there was a 15 year old girl who became a client of House of Ruth. Her name was Pearl, and she had a baby at the age of 14 who was the consequence of rape from a gang member. The father was a minor too.

Her boyfriend at the time wanted her to move out of House of Ruth and go with him to wherever he was going. He came to the porch and was calling her. She came out and they were arguing on the porch. Luisa and Sr. Judy came out. Sr. Judy brought the girl inside and locked the door, locking Luisa and the young man out.

Luisa knew her job was to convince him to let the girlfriend stay. “If you really loved her you would want what’s best for her. If you love her, you should leave.” The young man wasn’t convinced. He became frustrated and angry and threw his fist through the window. Then he fled.

The staff at House of Ruth called the police, and the man was caught just after that. They had followed the trail from the blood, since the young man’s hand was cut up from the glass. After this incident and the one above, the rules at House of Ruth changed. They did away with the visiting hours and the place became a confidential location.

Carmen, Childhood Experience

Carmen lived at House of Ruth as a young girl. Her mother, Blanca, moved the family into the shelter when Carmen was 6. Carmen remembers being at the house, and a few moments stick out in her memory as especially happy. One of her favorite memories was Christmas time. She remembers Santa Claus came and brought presents. She received a big doll that was as tall as she. "It was my height!" she says with a smile on her face.

Carmen also remembers her mother’s case manager, also named Carmen. She was excited to share a name with someone so wonderful. Carmen was one of her favorite people here. She told her stories and tried to motivate her by asking, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”

Even as a 6 year-old, life changed for Carmen at House of Ruth. She says that all of a sudden there were more people and more kids to play with. It taught her how to interact with people of other races.

Carmen says that she would have her children go through the same thing because she trusts everyone at the house, and because it was a good experience for her. She says, “When I was 17 I became pregnant. I never had a doubt that I could do it.” She knew this from the fact that her mother was young when she had children, and she was confident that she could raise her children because there were places like House of Ruth that would help her.

Carmen has lived in Los Angeles her whole life and thanks God for all the good work House of Ruth has done for the community. House of Ruth has changed Los Angeles from a place of despair to a place of hope for many families. She believes that without House of Ruth, more women and children would be suffering.

Maria

House of Ruth is more than just a homeless shelter; it's a place of opportunity. The reputation of the program is known, for a lot of women come to House of Ruth seeking more than shelter. They come because they want to be challenge. They want to make a better life for themselves and their children. Some women come with the goal of finally getting their GED, others, learning English. For some women, it's obtaining a full time job, for others it's leaving their abuser for the last time. Whatever their goal is, they feel it's possible to achieve it at House of Ruth. And so they take the giant leap of faith and make the phone call that becomes one of the most important phone calls of their lives.

15 years ago, Maria made the phone call to House of Ruth because her friend had given her the number. Maria was homeless and living with her sister. "I wanted to change my life,” she says.

Looking at the person she is now, I would say that Maria did change her life. Not only did House of Ruth change her employment status, but it changed her character. At House of Ruth she learned about responsibility and how to be a better mother. Instead of putting the parenting on family members, she started to actually communicate with her daughter. Instead of going out with her friends and partying, Maria began to spend her time doing healthy things with her daughter, like going to the park together.

While at House of Ruth, Maria stumbled and broke the rules, but she was given a second chance. From then on, Maria’s goal was to prove herself, and to prove everyone else wrong who didn’t believe in her.

Maria went back to school because she had dropped out in the 9th grade. "Being back in school reminded me of being young... and I felt free." Her case manager, Carmen Rodriguez, was constantly pushing her. She was always checking up with her and the other clients. Carmen would call the school to make sure she was there or even go over and sit in the parking lot outside the building. This accountability is what kept Maria on track and helped her change.

When asked where she would be without House of Ruth, Maria responds, "My kid would have been taken away. I really believe that... and I wouldn’t be the person I am right now.” Maria wanted to change her life, and she did just that. But she hasn't grown complacent; she hasn't stopped dreaming. "I'm still reaching up," she says. Maria’s goal is to buy a house and open her own restaurant.

Sharing the "Yes" Moment

The following excerpt was written many years ago by Sister Judy Molosky, one of the founders of House of Ruth...


The prayer of Jesus in John's gospel has been my prayer: "I pray for them; I am not praying for the world but for those you have given me, because they belong to you." God gave me many gifts during six years of vocation ministry, but the best was the gift of the individual discerning woman. Her story, her longings, her God experiences were mine to hear, and most often on a first meeting! I often asked myself, "Who am I to be hearing the depths of this woman's spirit?" I felt like confessor, discerner, counselor and friend with each woman.

The highlight for me was the moment the individual shared the "yes" moment. The most memorable sharing happened when I lived at the House of Ruth. The young woman had been staying with us and because of crowded conditions was sharing my room. Around 2:00 a.m. on the way back from my nightly trip to the bathroom, I was stopped and asked if we could talk. "Of course," I said, not knowing what else to say at that time of night. And so it was in the darkness of the room that the young woman shared her fears, her resistance, her deep longing for God...her readiness to say "yes". Opposition from family and friends was not an obstacle anymore. The grace of the moment came in the experience of God's presence in darkness and in freedom. Her heart spoke like St. Paul's: Life to me is not a thing to waste words on, provided that when I finish my race I have carried out the mission the Lord Jesus gave me - and that was to bear witness to the Good News of God's grace."

Cathy, may you continue to bear witness to God's grace!

Sister Judy Molosky

Staff Experience, Maricela

The residents are not the only ones who receive help and growth from House of Ruth. At times, it's the staff that feel they have been rescued. Sometimes the more you give the more you receive.

Maricela started working at House of Ruth 11 years ago. At the time she had no money, she lived on welfare, she was very shy, and she says she didn’t really talk. She lived in a small apartment with 9 children and 3 adults. On welfare, the home received only $947 for all 9 children because they did not report 4 of the children. They were afraid they would be kicked out for having so many people in the apartment.

Working at House of Ruth changed her life. She witnessed the other women who were at House of Ruth living alone, raising children alone, and saw how strong they were. She says, “My eyes were opened from being around such strong women.” This gave her the strength to stand up to her husband who was abusing her at the time. Being at House of Ruth gave her the courage to tell him she wouldn’t take it anymore, and to make him get a job.

Her daughter, who was young at the time, described it by saying, “My mommy was a Chihuahua. My daddy a pit-bull. The Chihuahua would always run from the pit-bull...now the Chihuahua eats the pit-bull.”

Not only did House of Ruth offer her this emotional and mental support, but also practical support. They gave her family clothes, blankets, and food which allowed her to save enough money to buy a house. She credits House of Ruth for the fact that she has a home and that her children are in school.

While working at House of Ruth, Maricela became pregnant. She was petrified and would cry because she thought she would have to quit working. She was afraid to tell Sr. Jennifer that she was pregnant. Eventually when she did, Sr. Jennifer laughed and said, “Why are you crying? You can bring your son with you and keep him in the daycare here.” Maricela was relieved beyond belief. She was thankful to have Sr. Jennifer’s support.

Sr. Jennifer always supported Maricela throughout her time at House of Ruth. She encouraged her to go to school, learn English, and complete 14 units in child development. Maricela plans on getting her GED and taking college classes soon.

Maricela works in the daycare at House of Ruth, where she says her job is to protect the children and give them love. She enjoys working with the children and says that through them she learns about character. She says, “The children come in here with a lot of needs. They are victims of child abuse, mental abuse, verbal abuse, sexual abuse. It’s hard because that’s what they know. And they try to repeat these actions. Sometimes I cry when I hear what happened to the children. Sometimes they’ll tell me.”

Maricela says that the children are the same as the ladies who come. That they come sad, but little by little they get better. She visits them after they move out.

Her best memory at House of Ruth was when the women would get section 8. She says they would be jumping up and down with the most beautiful expression on their faces! Also, she remembers a client named Monica who was going to child’s court to gain custody. The day she won custody they had a party in the office.

Maricela enjoys what she does; she is thankful for Sr. Jennifer and House of Ruth. Working in the daycare every day is not an easy job, but Maricela does it with such patience and love. Her loyalty to House of Ruth and the families that pass through is a true blessing.

Laura: Surviving and Thriving After Domestic Violence

We've all heard the saying, "beautiful on the inside and out". But has anyone ever decided what that really means? How do we judge beauty on the inside that we cannot see? I believe it has to do with a person's spirit and the effect it has on others. A beautiful spirit becomes something concrete - something you see and feel and love. A good spirit hits others like an unseen force, and people say, "Wow...there's something really there inside, and I want to find out what that is." Laura had that effect on me when I first met her and became friends with her. Everything about her - her work ethic, her faith, her desire to learn and grow and better her family - it inspires me. She is truly beautiful and I will do my best to convey the full character of the woman she is.

You wouldn't believe it if you met her, but Laura was a victim of domestic violence for years. The father of her sons was physically abusive, verbally abusive, and emotionally abusive. Of course at the beginning she believed that he was only jealous and wanted to protect their relationship... because he loved her that much. As it continued, however, she realized that it wasn’t normal. He started to threaten her, telling her that he was going to kill her and no one would know because she didn’t have family. The thought of being killed without anyone knowing is what really caused her fear. Then he started abusing her two small children and at that she reacted. When he attempted to harm them is when she left.

Laura says, "For me, my children are the greatest thing that God has given me besides life. Perhaps because my parents never protected me, I protect my children like a lioness." And so she left without clothes or money and went to a friend’s house to occupy a room. "It was not easy to leave. It was a difficult decision to make, because my children were very young and I was pregnant. I didn’t work, I didn’t have family, but God gave me the strength."

Life wasn't easy for Laura as she started a new life for her family. She spoke no English, had no clothes, food, or money and her children were so very young. She could count her possessions at the time: one thin blanket and one thick blanket. She remembers that when she was cold she would put the thick blanket on top, and when she was hot she would put the thin blanket on top. That was her life as she struggled to get by.

She was overwhelmed with physical and emotional stress. Laura was still pregnant at the time, but she had so many doubts about being able to raise another child. The uncertainty and feelings of being totally alone led Laura to alternatives. "I had a lot of stuff going on in my life, I didn’t have money, and I thought how am I going to do this. I don’t want any more children. Because I saw life so difficult, I thought about aborting him." Call it an act of faith, an angel, or maybe just a coincidence, but Laura met the right woman at the right time. A stranger saw Laura in tears at the bus stop and approached her and said, "It is a blessing to be expecting a baby and God is going to help you." And God began helping her.

The woman that Laura rented a room from was an ex-resident of House of Ruth. The woman knew that Laura needed help, especially when she saw her 8-months pregnant, crying in the stairwell one night so as to not wake her children. The woman only spoke English and they really couldn't understand each other. They found someone to translate and the woman told Laura not to cry because there was a place that could help her. That place was House of Ruth. She made an appointment for Laura to go for an interview. "During the interview I was nervous, because it was different. But House of Ruth opened its doors to me from the first day. I felt protected."

"When I got to House of Ruth, my self-esteem rose. I didn’t feel alone. I felt safe and secure. I started to view life differently. For the first time, I was happy that the sun was out. I was able to see the trees, the birds, and to see that life was beautiful. Even though I didn’t have a mother, father, family or a good husband, I had a life."

The family dinners were Laura's favorite part. To her, praying together and eating together at the house was the first experience of a family that she ever had. It made her feel loved. Having the support of the staff also comforted her. Two months after giving birth to Jesus, Laura was talking to Luisa. Luisa told her, "Laura, you look good. Everything will be okay." She felt her sincerity and tenderness. No one had ever appreciated and valued Laura that way before.

Laura says that without House of Ruth she would not have been able to move forward. She might have gone back to her ex-husband who would have continued to harm her. She wouldn’t have been able to go to school. Her children would probably not be the children that she has today. "For me, coming to House of Ruth was the best thing to happen to me, because I was reborn. Today, my life is different. I have three wonderful sons Axel, Danny, and Jesus."

"In this stage of my life, I feel happy. I think that in all my life I have never been so happy as I am today. I have God, I have my children, and I have my House of Ruth family. I have a house, my car, and health. I have everything. My goals are to work on my children being good citizens, better myself, and to open my own day care, and I have continued to study. Right now, I work for House of Ruth and I have a license in child development, I work with children that are victims of domestic violence. In this moment, my children also see life differently...after everything they have seen, what we have suffered as a family. Axel is in school, they all are in school. Daniel is joining the Marines. Jesus wants to be a graphic designer. And what gives me the most pride is that they always have in mind to give back to House of Ruth when they are professionals because House of Ruth helped us."

"I give thanks to God because he made people like Sister Jennifer and gave people the thought of establishing a shelter for victims of domestic violence. To all those women who are reading this, and are afraid to make a decision to leave domestic violence, I want to tell you that it is not easy but that yes you can. And when you do, you will feel that you are reborn."

"Hello, can I speak to Ruth please?"

The Following is a reflection written years ago by an unidentified author. The reflection is kept in the archives at the Sisters of Saint Joseph:

"Hello, can I speak to Ruth please?" Everyone who has ever lived or worked at the House of Ruth has received a similar phone call. People think Ruth is a person, but we know she is more than a person - she's the spirit that abides in the atmosphere of the House. Almost 10 years ago Linda Pearson, the first director of the House of Ruth, suggested that it be named after the woman, Ruth, in the Bible. Her reasons were clear and convincing. The young Moabite woman, after the death of her own husband, chose to stay with her mother-n-law. No one knows her real motives...was it for companionship, or fear, or love? The fact is the young woman could have chosen her own life among her own people, but she sacrificed her own future for the good of her mother-n-law, Naomi. In the first chapter of the Book of Ruth, the young woman says to Naomi...

Wherever you go, I will go.
Wherever you live, I will live.
Your people shall be my people,
and your God, my God.

That kind of faithful support of one another is what the House of Ruth has come to stand for. Among guests and staff the rapport is one of; "I'll accompany you through this ordeal at the welfare office." "I'll listen when you want to share." "We're in this together.

May the brave Ruth of long ago continue to inspire the efforts of women-helping-women at the House of Ruth. And don't be surprised if the next time someone asks to speak to Ruth, the reply may be: "Yes, which one do you want to speak to?"

A Little History of The House of Ruth

Religious orders have always played an important role in serving the needs of society, particularly that of the neglected and underserved population. At the time the House of Ruth was founded the underserved population seemed to be homeless women, especially victims of domestic violence.

The Second Vatican Council, which ended in 1965, encouraged religious women to “return to their ideas of why they were founded.” In 1976, sisters started leaving the classrooms. The Sisters of Saint Joseph were supposed to look for unmet needs and figure out the needs that were not being tended to.

In 1974 Sr. Teresa Scotino was working at St. Vincent’s Homeless Shelter in downtown LA. She did an informal survey counting the beds available for the homeless in LA County. The findings: 600 beds for men and only 12 beds for women.

At the same time, battered women syndrome was appearing in the field of social work and becoming a more talked about issue. Three Sisters of Saint Jospeh, Sr Judy Molosky, Sr. Jeanette Van Vleck, and Sr. Linda Pearson started attending conferences and workshops on battered women.

The three sisters decided they would leave their jobs as teachers and social workers to purchase a house and open up a transitional shelter for women and children. At first they considered making it a domestic violence home. However, because they were a local community of nuns, they were unable to maintain the anonymity necessary. The fourth foundress, Sr. Georgeann O'Brien, was asked by the Mother Superior to move into the House to be a mentor to the three younger sisters.

So in the beginning, a generous organization gave them the house rent free. They sat down and had to figure out ownership/maintenance issues. For example, who fixes a broken toilet? What happens if the roof falls in? They came up with informal contract and thus began the ministry.

Blanca: Saved by Grace from Gangs

The staff can really make an impact on the women and children living at the House of Ruth. The case manager is usually the closest to the resident, but everyone seems to play a part in helping. Blanca lived at House of Ruth many years ago, but says it was the people she met there that helped her to change her life.

Blanca grew up with 6 brothers and they were all involved in gangs. "It was an ugly world", she says. Out of 6 of her brothers, 3 of them were shot and killed at the ages 16, 15, and as young as 13. She says she was always around drugs and because of her situation, she learned to always be on the defense.

Previous to coming to the shelter Blanca was living in Highland Park with her small children Anthony, Carmen, and Corina. They lived with her sister, her nephew, and her niece in a very small apartment because she wasn’t able to afford rent on her own. She was working on and off cleaning and babysitting. Her sister was leaving to go to Mexico which left Blanca and her children soon-to-be homeless.

Blanca came to House of Ruth and was transformed. Her case manager, Carmen, was the positive person that she needed in her life. She describes Carmen as "warm and loving".

"She would take her time and acknowledge me. Like I was the only one. It made me feel weird at first, but I got used to it and liked it. Carmen taught me how to show love to my kids...to hug them... say I love you. That is was okay to show affection. She had a handsome husband, two girls and a boy. I wanted to be a mom like her.”

Carmen would make sure Blanca was doing what she needed to do. They would meet once a week to talk about Blanca's goals for herself. Blanca started going to school and even taking parenting classes. Carmen was persistent. She would even follow Blanca to parenting classes to make sure she was going, and would visit Blanca in her room. This is what kept Blanca from goofing around, she says.

When asked what she remembers most about living at the House of Ruth, Blanca responds, "Sr. Judy Molosky, who was director at the time. I remember her red boots. The first time when I saw her I thought, how can she be a nun?” According to Blanca, Sr. Judy was a nun dressed like a cowgirl with short hair and wearing a skirt, button down shirt, and just smiling. It was the first time in her life she was surrounded by and actually hung out with Catholic sisters.

Sr. Judy and Carmen were not the only ones who played a significant role in Blanca’s life. Sr. Rachel, who was night staff, was really good at cleaning. She taught Blanca how to do chores right. Luisa also made an impact on Blanca. Luisa worked in childcare where Blanca would leave her children while she went to school. Luisa potty-trained Corina and took her off the bottle. Luisa showed the kids how to brush their teeth too. They would follow an activity schedule and they would sing and dance a lot. Before coming to House of Ruth Blanca’s kids never called her “mom”. Instead, they would just call her “Blanca”. Luisa changed that too.

Eventually Blanca moved to the transitional shelter and became more independent. She finally received section 8 and was able to move out on her own. However, House of Ruth meant so much to her that she returned to volunteer. Then eventually she started working there and she continues working there today. Even today she continues to learn from the women and her fellow staff members. Sr. Jennifer, who is the current director, became the mentor that she needed. Blanca and her family went through a lot during her employment but Sr. Jennifer never turned her back on them. She took Blanca under her wing and showed her there was more to life. "She's the one that made me see things brighter, more colorful. To Sr. Jennifer nothing is impossible. Out of something bad she'll turn it into something good. Throughout the years here I've seen how she has turned other families' lives around and how hard she works to keep the program growing. Even though I have a mom, I always see her as a mother figure."

Blanca says that without House of Ruth her children would be part of gangs. “Without House of Ruth, my son would have been a gang member, and would have been in and out of jail. House of Ruth saved my kids. And my sister and nephew followed.” And where would Los Angeles be without House of Ruth? Blanca responds, “People would find easy ways to survive, and the easy way is selling drugs, prostitution, crooked business. Families would end up homeless.”

Blanca's gratitude and love for House of Ruth is clear; it is her dream to one day be like Sr. Jennifer and to be able to do what she does.

Socorro: Strength in the Face of Adversity

Many people view obstacles as things that hold them back or prevent them from achieving certain goals. But others thrive off of obstacles. It is not until they are faced with an obstacle that they know how capable they are. Socorro is one of those people. She is a woman of great passion and drive; the obstacles she has faced in life have challenged her to be stronger and to work harder.

She tells her own story:

I am a single mother. I was born in Puebla, Mexico and had first come to the United States sixteen years ago. I intended to come only for vacation, but while I was here I met someone and fell in love. But my love story does not have a happy ending like the ones in the movies. I never got to live happily ever after. In truth, the man I fell in love with never loved me at all. His heroic deeds were only acts of selfishness and his charming words were empty sounds to cover up lies. Little did I know that he would cause me to lose everything and end up in the homeless shelter where I now reside.

I was blinded in love. We married and had two daughters whom I love deeply and whom are here with me now. At first I was very happy with my life, married to my husband. I was running my own business which was a beauty salon and was making a good living for myself. Things took a turn, however, and my husband began to mistreat me. He was verbally abusive. He never said sorry when he was wrong. He never paid for anything. I started to notice that he was taking my money from my account and when I confronted him about it he showed no care whatsoever. I had my own house, but my husband convinced me to sell everything. We sold the house and he took half of the money. Because of my limited English, I couldn't tell people what was going on. He opened a bakery with my money to which he treated me like any employee. I used to work from 8:00 in the morning to 11:00 at night. I wasn't even allowed to have a free soda on my break.

A month later, I found out that he was having an affair. He was spending my money on another woman. He told me that he used me and that he wanted to make me poor. Well he had done just that.

Right now, he gets visits to see the girls. My older daughter always compares me to her father and is disappointed in me. She tells me, "I don't like you because my dad can give me everything and you cannot." My children ask me, "Mom what happened? What happened to our life? We used to have it all together." They don't understand that he is cheating on child support, that I'm on welfare, and that right now I'm struggling with whether or not to accept his money in fear that my food stamps will be taken away. Honestly, I would prefer just to work and become independent again.

I am not sharing my story so that people will feel sorry for me. Rather, I want my story to be a lesson not to give up. I want to teach people that even though someone may live in a shelter, that person can still have goals.

Right now I am taking classes to improve my English. In one month I am going to get my certificate to be an aerobics instructor. I want to get my GED and open a spa where people can exercise, and have facials, hair, makeup done. I plan on making my own workout video as well. In short, I just want a better life for my children. I want them to be proud of me again.

Maricruz: From Teen Mom to Successful, Loving Mother

I sat with Maricruz on the porch of the house and as I began to ask questions about her past, I knew that I was shaking up something inside of her that she had worked hard to repress. Slowly she began to tell me her story.

Maricruz was 15 years old, and her parents did not allow her to date yet. But she was young and curious and met an older man named Steven whom she started secretly seeing. He was a gang member with tattoos who drew her in with his charm and sweet words. Soon enough, Maricruz moved in with him and at 15 years old, she was pregnant and her life was forever changed.

While pregnant, Maricruz decided to move back in with her parents. Her mom, though upset, welcomed Maricruz back, but her father had already disowned her. He would not speak to his own daughter. If he walked in a room where she was, he would say something like “Oh it stinks in here.” She would get up and go to her room where she would stay to avoid her father.

Finally, Maricruz gave birth to a little girl named Vanessa. Though Maricruz had not spoken to her own father throughout her pregnancy, she recounted the fact that she called him when the baby was born and he visited her in the hospital with flowers.

After Vanessa was born, Maricruz moved back in with Steven. This was hard for her parents because they didn’t think it was the right place for a child, for Maricruz lived in a bad area full of gangs and drugs. One day when the baby was little, her mom went over to Maricruz’s home while she was lying on the bed and the baby was in the crib. Her mom walked up to the baby, picked her up, and walked out of the house. Maricruz doesn’t know why she didn’t stop her mother. However, she eventually got a restraining order against the baby's grandparents.

Soon, Maricruz became pregnant again and at this point, Steven was a hard user of drugs and smoking PCP. One day she came home from school and he was all drugged up. He was in his room just lying there as she describes. He approached her, “Where were you?!” "At school," she said. Then for the first time ever he hit her. He hit her in the face and as she describes it, she didn’t even feel it because she just couldn’t believe it was happening. She remembers seeing the blood and thinking, “what the hell just happened?” She was so afraid that she went into the closet and just sat there holding her face. One of Steven’s relatives must have heard them because she opened the door and asked what happened. “You better not have hit her,” she said. She found Maricruz sitting in the closet and urged her to get out and call the cops on him. But Maricruz didn’t. She never even told her parents. To this day they don’t know.

Maricruz was 18 now and was still living with Steven. He was using drugs still, and for a period of 3 weeks he completely disappeared. It took this act of neglect for Maricruz to consider leaving him. At this time she already knew about House of Ruth through an ex-resident of the house who continually encouraged Maricruz to enter the program. Maricruz knew the current environment where she was living wasn’t good for her children, and so she eventually decided to go for an interview at House of Ruth. They accepted her there and she called her dad, “Dad can you come for me?” He did just that, and he brought her to the house where she began her life-changing journey.

Her life was beginning to change but Maricruz was still caught in some of her old issues for the 15 months she lived there. Steven came to House of Ruth twice, all drugged up, and made big scenes. And at times they would see each other in the neighborhood and Steven would cause drama. Luisa, who worked at house of ruth, helped Maricruz a lot. Luisa would be driving to or from work and would see Maricruz arguing on the streets with her ex. Luisa would get out and help. “Maricruz, get in the car! Do not let him talk to you like this. You don’t need this…” Another person that helped her was her case manager, Lancia, who really pushed her to be better.

With all of this help, Maricruz eventually got a job, received section 8, and moved out on her own. She went from being a girl easy to manipulate, into a strong woman and mother. She loves her children, and although she regrets the desisions she made, she never regrets having her children. She believes that without House of Ruth, she would be living with Steven and living with fear. She wouldn't have had the beautiful memories like Thanksgiving Dinner at House of Ruth with all of the broken pieces of families becoming one. She wouldn't have known about all of the help out there. She wouldn't be the person she is today.

Today Maricruz is happy and has 3 children: Vanessa who is 18, Manuel who is 16, and Eve the youngest. Maricruz is a good parent and talks to her children in the way she wishes her mother would have talked to her. She talks to them about sex and drugs, and things that young adolescents need to talk about. She wants her children to make better decisions than she did.

Maricruz loves House of Ruth, and is still there today - not as a resident but as an employee. She works in the daycare and is taking classes to become a parenting instructor, which is her dream. After being certified she plans to give classes to the women at House of Ruth.

Elizabeth's Story: Breaking the Cycle of Abuse

I visited a former resident at her home one Friday morning. She was doing laundry and waking up her two oldest daughters who I also had the opportunity to meet and talk to. This family was kind, welcoming, and refeshingly down to earth. I stayed for 2 and a half hours as I listened to Elizabeth and her children open up about their lives. As I listened, I felt so close to these women and by the time I left, I believed I had made 3 very good friends who I hoped I would see again soon. I am privelidged to share with you this story of Elizabeth which is a story of faith during hopelessness and the womenly instinct to survive and overcome the most pitiful circumstances. This is the story of Elizabeth and her children.

Elizabeth grew up in an abusive home, and as the cycle would project, she became involved in an abusive relationship herself. She became pregnant at a very young age and by the time she was in her early twenties, she had 3 young girls: Janet, Jessica, and Patty. Janet and Jessica had the same father though Patty’s father was living with Elizabeth and her girls at the time. He used to mistreat the girls, and he was particularly mean to the oldest daughter, Janet. Elizabeth regrets the fact that she would allow him to be so mean to her little girls who were so small and helpless. He continued to hit Elizabeth until one day, she had so much fear that she called the cops on him.

A social worker came and took the girls away because of the abuse. They were put in foster care, which pained Elizabeth since what she cared about most was being with her children. The girls were in a foster home 2 hours away with a foster mother who was abusive. The foster mother treated Elizabeth condescendingly, sometimes allowing her to visit but other times rejecting her. Elizabeth never knew whether or not she'd get to see her children. She would make the 2 hour drive in hopes of spending 2 hours in the morning with her daughters, but sometimes the foster mother would say, “Sorry I’m busy today. There’s just too much to do. You can’t stay.” And at that she’d close the curtain while the girls and the mother tried to communicate through the glass window. Janet remembers this. She would wonder, “Why doesn’t mommy want to come in and see us?”

Elizabeth went back to the abuse of her boyfriend, as many women do, and she eventually had her 4th daughter, also named Elizabeth. Elizabeth feared what was to come. She knew what would happen. And a week later, the social worker showed up to take the baby. She had been through this before, but still, she panicked. She tried to hide and pretend she wasn’t home. The social worker barged on the door saying, “I know you’re in there.” So to not cause trouble, Elizabeth eventually, yet reluctantly, handed over her newborn baby into the hands of a stranger - the fourth child of hers taken away and put into the system. Sittin in her livingroom, she cried as the father taunted her. “How could you give away your own child? What kind of woman are you?”

This time, Elizabeth decided she would do whatever she could to get her newborn baby back. She had lost her motherhood once and felt that this was her last chance to retain what was left of her dignity. She knew that she would have to get help, but she didn't know where to turn. In her own downright words: “I had no idea."

Elizabeth left her abuser and was put in an emergency home at the age of 21. She had a case worker that, as she describes, was “white and beautiful”. They became really close. This mentor and friend gave Elizabeth encouragement as she fought to reclaim custody of her kids.

Finally, Elizabeth was accepted and began living at House of Ruth. She was given a big room because she expected to get her girls back. And to start, she would have the girls visit and stay with her on the weekends.

Elizabeth soon found out that she was pregnant again, and as any 21-year-old would do, she tried to hide it from everyone. She wore baggy clothes, and as her pregnancy progressed she even taped her stomach so that she didn’t appear pregnant at all. When she met with a social worker, she sat behind a table the whole time, hiding her stomach and not letting her see. When the social worker left, Elizabeth thought she was in the clear and quickly changed outfits and relaxed. As a twist of plot, the worker came back into the house and saw that Elizabeth was pregnant! She would have to work extra hard to get her life in order.

Elizabeth’s case manager at House of Ruth was Carmen. Carmen was tough, she said, "but that was good". She kept her in line and helped Elizabeth find housing. Elizabeth finally received section 8 and moved into her own house. She is now 34 years old and lives with her 7 children: Janet, Jessica, Patty, Elizabeth, Gilberto, Salvador, and Oscar.

Elizabeth credits House of Ruth for what she calls her transformation, and after meeting Elizabeth I do believe that she is not the woman of her past that she described. For one thing, she is proud of who she is; that was the impression I got as she gave me a tour of her house, her yard, her small alley, and introduced me to each of her dogs. I believe that she is also truly happy. She smiled brightly as she narrated through a photo album of her daughter's quincinera and as Janet performed a song and dance for me in the living room.

Elizabeth believes that without House of Ruth she would be working full time, and Janet would have to drop out of school to watch the kids. She loves House of Ruth for the case managers and the counseling, which was her favorite part.